"If I believed 10% of what I can read about myself on the Internet, I would have nothing to do with me!" - James White
I read that the other day and couldn't help but smile and nod in agreement. If you're someone who regularly speaks out against something wrong, you're going to be under fire by those who are willing to defend the wrong. It's just the way it is.
Case in point: "You favor detached information.The emergents favor personal encounter.You are boring and your boring movement of Greco-Roman ideology is going extinct.The Emerging Church is much more biblical, as it is a much more Hebrew approach and the Bible was written by Hebrews to be experience by Hebrews. Greek it up all you want, but you are unbiblical in doing so. - signed "disinterested bystander" - a comment left at ENo in response to this post.
This is quite tame in comparison to other things that have been said about me in critique, yet according to disinterested bystander (who clearly isn't, or the comment would have never been posted) I'm boring, going extinct and Greeking it up (whatever that means) rendering me unbiblical. Honestly, I had to laugh about the boring and going extinct part, although I'm sure it wasn't intended to induce a humorous response.
I wanted to take a pause and look at what happens sometimes when we're under fire, either from a fair & honest point of view or from a false accusation point of view. In many ways, it doesn't matter which kind of fire it is, the result can be the same. How we handle ourselves in these situations is important, not only for our own peace of mind but if our goal is to glorify the Lord in all that we say and do, then we'll want to give such responses plenty of room for prayer for guidance and wisdom.
Self Exam & Second Guessing
Where one is certainly a biblical practice we should be busy with anyway, the other is nothing but an anxiety inducing rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions that can cause an unbalanced amount of self-focus. As believers we should be seeking the Lord daily for direction and clarity in all sorts of matters. When we're under fire for something we've stood for, it's even more important to walk carefully and remain teachable through the process.
It might be more common among women, since we're wired to be prone to emotional reaction, but a very real result of being accused or critiqued about something, is that we find ourselves second guessing almost everything. Our choices, our words, our friends and our alliances - nothing is really off limits because when you're deeply shaken up, you're sometimes not so sure about much of anything anymore. Part of that is letting our imagination get away from us, and another part of that is reacting with emotion rather than reason. It can be very easy sometimes to lose focus and react this way but the warning is there for us that we need to remain focused on the bigger picture and not give in to this kind of second guessing & doubt. When our minds are so busy second guessing all sorts of things we're not really focused on remaining teachable, we're focused on self-suspicion, often brought on by harsh words from another. It's a tricky place to be in, to be sure.
Taking Criticism
I've written about this before on this blog but because it's such an important part of remaining teachable, I'm going to repeat myself. Some years back I was in one of those sticky, tricky, difficult situations where the criticism and accusation was flying fast & loose. While my first inclination was to respond in anger (always a bad plan!) I knew that wasn't right and I wanted some good advice. I spoke with a pastor friend about it and what he said to me was the best advice I've ever heard on the subject. Essentially his advice was to really listen carefully to every word of critique, and own what's true, and dismiss the rest.
In dismissing what's not true, and I mean literally not giving it any room for thought whatsoever, we free oursleves up for learning from critique that we may not like to hear, but is something we needed to hear all the same. We don't really like to do that, as we'd much rather focus on the part that wasn't true and make ourselves feel better by defending ourselves against a false charge. It's a handy little dodge & weave thing that we're all guilty of at times, but all it really does is delay the inevitable. Sooner or later you're going to have to deal with the accuracy of the critique and it's better to humble your heart and do it sooner, rather than later.
That's not an easy thing to do, since we all battle pride and want to think we've arrived & need no further instruction. Horsefeathers, I say. None of us have arrived and each of us have something to learn about responding in a Godly way to an accusation or criticism.
By owning what is true in critique or accusation, it's then a matter of confessing to ourselves that "yes, that's true of me" and then making it a matter of diligent prayer that the Lord might be pleased to give you wisdom and strength to grow in that area. Sometimes that even involves a verbal acknowledgment to someone that you were indeed wrong, and that you're truly sorry. That can be even harder to do, especially if that person is someone you don't get along with too well. This also is part of our ongoing sanctification - humbling ourselves and confessing an apology when we're wrong. The flesh cries out against doing this, but you know it's the right thing to do.
Finding the Balance
For me personally, it has been and will continue to be I'm sure, a difficult thing to find the balance between owning what's true and dismissing the rest. Sometimes I can do it successfully on the first try, but other times I'm so prone to dismissing the whole thing and find myself desperately wanting to expend time and energy defending myself against what was false. I want to react with emotion, I want to defend my name, and I want to always be right & never be wrong about anything. Ever! Does that sound familiar in any way? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels like this.
Being truly humble is not a natural desire for fallen men. Some people may possess a meek or mild personality, but as for spiritual matters, our natural desire is to look out for #1 and let the chips fall where they may. Our natural inclination is to speak out loud and clear to make sure we know everyone knows just how right we are! While there are certainly times that responding and correcting the false charge or critique is the wise thing to do (if done in a gracious and factual manner), there are also times where the old saying "I will not dignify that with a response" is the best option.
How do you know when to do that, and when to respond? That's not always easy either, but Biblical guidance shines much light on this in that there is wisdom in a multitude of counsellors. Find Godly, mature, gracious believers that you know and trust, and appeal to them for advice. Go to your husband or wife, go to your pastor and elders, go to your friends. Sometimes we can't see the answer when we're so close to the situation, but it's often much easier for a third party to see it clearly, give you perspective that you hadn't thought of, and give you wise counsel. If you've gone to 3 or 4 Godly people that you trust and they all say the same thing, listen to them. Do not disregard what they have to say, especially if they've all said the same thing! The reason you went to them in the first place was for guidance, so take it and learn from it. You'll be better for it.
By writing this today I hope that no one assumes I think myself any kind of expert in this subject. While I certainly do have a lot of experience in it, I'm still growing and learning myself, and very recently found myself in the very situation I described of going to mature believers for Godly advice. I knew how I wanted to respond but I wasn't convinced that my idea was the best way. I wanted input, and I wanted to learn from those who know what they're talking about. I cannot express just how glad I am, that I did that. It made all the difference in the world. For the record, my first inclination in my own situation in how to respond, was not the collective advice on how to respond, from the folks I went to. Be assured I still have a lot to learn, myself.
Someone might be reading this and think to themselves how uncanny it is to define a situation in their own life that might be going on right this very moment. Please know that it's not at all uncanny, it happens to every one of us in a variety of ways over a wide variety of issues. I quoted James White at the top of the post, then gave an example of my own criticism. Right this moment I know at least 5 or 6 people that are going through very similar situations and feel that they have been wronged somehow, and want very much to defend their name & reputation. It's a condition that is common to man because it's a heart issue that is common to man. The circumstances might vary from person to person, but the core issue is always the same. Learning how to Biblically deal with it is something we all need.
If this does address a situation you're currently dealing with, I hope it's helped in some way. In addition, if you've noticed something I've missed that you find would be an additional help, please feel welcome to post it in the comments - as I'm sure it would go a long in way in blessing someone.
